My 3-year-old daughter, Norah, wants a dog. Badly.
My 4-year-old son, Jack, wants a dog. Mediumly.
My 36-year-old husband, Glen, wants a dog. More than he wants to be married to me I’m pretty sure.
But we’re not getting a dog. Not today anyway. And here are 47 reasons why.
47 Reasons We’re Not Getting a Dog (Today…Or Tomorrow)
Reason 1: I have one houseplant. It is fake and from HomeGoods. I have owned this fake houseplant for less than one year and even its fake leaves aren’t looking great. There are clearly enough living things already in this house.
Reason 2: Norah wants a dog today, but she wanted a sloth three months ago. She also wanted a yellow unicorn six months ago. Mama didn’t raise no fool, I know 3 year old children are fickle.
Reason 3: Jack is the strongest 4 year old in North America. If we got a dog he would rough house with the dog and then the dog would become the strongest dog in North America. I do not have time to field phone calls from Guinness World Records.
Reason 4: We already have mice. I don’t need more animals living in my home right now.
Reason 5: Glen would probably love the dog more than he loves me and my ego can’t handle that.
Reason 6: I drop chocolate all the time. This house is not currently safe for a dog until I get control of both my chocolate habit and my hand-eye coordination.
Reason 7: We can’t agree on a name for our future dog. Glen wants Elway. Norah wants Diggie. Jack wants to make Norah mad by not choosing Diggie. I want a dog named George. Someday we’ll fight that fight. Not today.
Reason 8: My children are potty trained, but I still need to wipe butts sometimes. I need a break from poop.
Reason 9: I would inevitably start doing my “talking to dogs” voice all the time. As such everyone will become annoyed with me and I will lose credibility as a professional.
Reason 10: The environment. You can’t argue with someone who claims their reason for doing or not doing something is the environment. It’s science.
Reason 11: I just duct taped our broom back together and if we get a dog I won’t need to sweep as often because the dog would eat the food our kids drop, creating a wasted use of duct tape.
Reason 12: I don’t know that a dog fits in with our high society jet setting across the world monthly lifestyle.
Reason 13: It gets cold outside.
Reason 14: I don’t think our car can get any dirtier than it is and I don’t want to test that theory right now.
Reason 15: Once I was dog sitting for friends and I walked in on the dog humping one of my throw pillows. We stared at each other in awkward silence for 14 minutes because I didn’t know what to do.
Reason 16: I had hermit crabs as pets growing up. Dogs seem significantly more challenging.
Reason 17: I KNOW who is going to be taking care of this dog.
Reason 18: My children need something to tell their therapist one day. Honestly I’m much too perfect of a mother and if I don’t withhold this dog they will one day become insufferable adults with zero problems.
Reason 19: I have heard that dogs really like peanut butter. I also really like peanut butter, but I don’t want to further share my peanut butter.
Reason 20: How much does the good dog food cost? More than my mortgage I’m guessing.
Reason 21: We have dog nieces and nephews and I have forgotten each and every one of their birthdays. We aren’t good enough people to have a dog.
Reason 22: I’m just getting into the next season of GLOW on Netflix and honestly I don’t think I can commit to anything else right now.
Reason 23: Judy the cat next door might get jealous and I, for one, am not going to mess with too-pure-for-this-world sweet soul, Judy the cat.
Reason 24: Because
Reason 25: I
Reason 26: Said
Reason 27: So.
Reason 28: Did I already say the environment?
Reason 29: I will be expected to bring the dog into work to visit my co-workers, which would require me to bring the dog in the car. My car time is my me time and I am genuinely concerned that the dog we get would be chatty.
Reason 30: What if the dog has better hair than I do?
Reason 31: I still haven’t written the blog post about how once Glen took all of the clothes my brother, Tom, was going to donate and wore them on a family vacation every day until my Tom noticed. It seems unfair to bump that story again for the inevitable 134 posts I would write about dog ownership.
Reason 32: Self care.
Reason 33: Norah starts most days by saying “When my doggie comes tomorrow…” It’s very cute and if we actually get a dog tomorrow all of that stops. I don’t want my kids to grow up THAT fast.
Reason 34: I am 34 years old and that’s just a weird age to get a dog for the first time in your life. I feel like that sort of thing should happen at a milestone year. Let’s talk when I’m 40.
Reason 35: What if my dog doesn’t like any of my friends’ dogs? Or what if my friends’ dogs don’t like my dog? Would we all have to break up? I don’t know the rules.
Reason 36: I’m an adult and will not be peer pressured by children into making a major life choice.
Reason 37: I get as much joy out of dog gifs as I would an actual dog. Probably.
Reason 38: Because this list what was not difficult to write and when we get a dog I should be fully committed to dog ownership.
Reason 39: There’s a decent chance that I’m allergic to some breeds of dogs, and I’m just realizing now that I probably should have put my own health higher on this list.
Reason 40: I still haven’t read all of the Harry Potter series and while that seemingly has no correlation maybe it does? #NoSpoilers.
Reason 41: The chocolate point really needs to be made twice. That one is important.
Reason 42: And I really can’t risk this happening.
Reason 43: In addition to the mice, we also have bats. There is too much breathing in this house!
Reason 44: I don’t know, something about my religion or political views. Fight me on this.
Reason 45: Whatever, I’m leaving this one basically blank to see if anyone notices.
Reason 46: I work from home twice a week and if we get a dog right now I have a feeling those days would end up looking like this.
Reason 47: Because we really will get a dog someday. Probably in a few years when my little people are slighter larger. But until then, I have my list of very legitimate reasons to refer back to the next time Glen hands me his phone and it is the Petfinder website.
Feel free to borrow some of these reasons if you are dragging your heels on dog ownership. We’re all in this together.