Bigger Than the Whole Sky
Inside: Trigger Warning – discussing miscarriage and pregnancy after miscarriage.
Ten years ago, I was spending a part of every day terrified.
I was pregnant with my first child at the time, yet that isn’t actually true.
Jack was the child from my fourth pregnancy but the first child I would get to hold.
Every day for 40 weeks and 3 days, I was terrified he would need to leave me like the others before him.
And yet, with those feelings taking over my body, heart, and mind, I kept going to work, going to the doctor, and going about life, holding onto a hope that this time would be different.
Then, eventually, it was. It was different. And it was beautiful.
The me from 10 years ago didn’t know that, though, and if it wouldn’t mess with the space-time continuum, I would go back in time to tell her that.
I would hold her hand and tell her it would be okay this time and that she could take a full, deep breath.
I would tell her the hope is worth holding onto.
Since I can’t tell her that, and my heart still breaks for her as she looks at a screen without a heartbeat and a test fading to white, I will tell you.
I will tell you, the mother who is missing the children she never got to meet and wondering what comes next.
The mother who is worried she did something wrong, though every ounce of science tells her that isn’t true.
The mother the world doesn’t see on the surface just yet.
I will tell you.
All of our stories are different: the beginnings, the middles, and the ends.
But I see your story. I see your heart. And I see your hope.
Please hold onto it.
And when holding onto that hope gets heavy, because it does, it gets so heavy; please know I’m there beside you, holding on too.
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Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is an annual day of remembrance observed on October 15 for pregnancy loss and infant death. Find support and resources through RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association.
