How To Catch a Bat in Your House and Stay Married
Inside: A lesson in bravery, bats in your house, marriage, and Nutella.
First off, I researched “blind as a bat” as part of this post and apparently bats have excellent vision. So I feel really lied to by idioms.
But in any case, this post is about a bat.
In our house.
And it’s also little bit about the mob and Nutella.
Bat Sh*t Crazy
I came downstairs from putting our two-year-old to bed to find Glen standing in the living room with a blanket, cool as a cucumber, saying “Oh hey, I was wondering what was taking so long. There’s a bat in our house.”
Excuse me?
Two immediate thoughts:
- Can I pretend that he didn’t just say that and go sit down with a glass of wine and watch SVU?
- All the curse words.
If you don’t want to read the rest of this post, just watch this video for a live feed of what happened in our house that night. Betcha didn’t know Glen and I have awesome Irish accents did you?
To Catch a Predator Bat Predator
Googled instructions on “how to get a bat out of your house and out of your life” in hand, we ventured down into the basement where the bat was last seen. But not until I found the largest hat in our house because I am pretty sure that bats like hair.
Oh, and I had to take a minute to post about our current situation on Facebook. Of course. Which was the right decision because the internet came through with one good suggestion for bat remediation and several good jokes.
Creeping around the basement with an iPhone flashlight, and fully clothed but wrapped in a towel for some reason, I was beyond terrified. And yet my loving husband had the nerve to say to me “He’s more scared of us than we are of him.”
Oh really? I doubt it. I don’t have rabies. I can’t speak for that bat. Also, who says the bat is a guy. Sexist much? Gosh, Glen…
Fast forward five more minutes and my big strong husband and I were both anxiously looking behind every nook and cranny of the basement both hoping to find and desperately hoping NOT to find this little devil rat with wings. Both of us shaking with justified fear.
Then I decided it was important that I stand guard by the basement door to make sure that a fisher cat didn’t come in the door we had opened for the bat to fly out of. That’s right. A fisher cat… Which I may have been mixing up with a mountain lion. I think this is what we call an irrational fear spiral.
Up to Bat
As I stood on fisher cat guard I accidentally found the bat hanging out like he owned the joint up on the top of the wall. “GLEN (in a harsh whisper). I found… The bat.”
Glen geared up in gloves, a trash bag, and my least favorite Tupperware and he got ready to scoop the bat. I continued to stand guard to make sure the bat didn’t fly back up the stairs all the while giving myself a mobster style pep talk. “Protect the family, Becca. PROTECT THE FAMILY!”
The bat DID NOT want to be scooped though. And he wriggled his angry little body out of the Tupperware and starting flying laps around the basement while I held up my towel and alternated between nervous laughter and yelling “AHHHHHHHH!”
Glen’s reaction was WAY better though. It was like he was in a cage match with the bat, chasing it around the basement with a blanket while simultaneously trying just as hard not to be anywhere near the bat. To paraphrase the audio from this encounter:
EXPLETIVE! AHHHH! EXPLETIVE! AHHHH!!! EXPLETIVE! I GOT ITTTT!!!!!!!!!
Then he proceeded to drag the pile of blankets and towels covering the bat out the door into the pouring rain while I cheered enthusiastically – “You’re doing it! YOU’RE DOING IT!”
As soon as the blankets were flipped outside, Glen slammed the basement door. And locked it. You know just in case bats are vengeful and have opposable thumbs.
And then we did what we always do. Laugh. Hysterically. Especially when Glen said this:
Like a Bat Out of Hell
I capped off the night the only way I knew how, because when a bat tries to accost your family you need all the wine.
And all the Nutella.
And all the keyboards because you’re going to need to write this story down.
This gave me a much needed giggle with my coffee this morning!
Coffee and giggles – the best part of waking up! Man, that would be a good jingle… someone should really scoop that up…
It’s a million dollar idea! 😉
I would need wine after that too hahaha. Catch him, Derry! CATCH HIM. He stole me lucky charms.
Laughing out loud just thinking about Catch him, Derry! Catch him! God Bless the Irish.
You were much braver than I. I would just have to move. “Sorry honey, I love you, but I’m outta here”!!! 😳🤣
Moving was definitely thought #3! Haha
Hilarious!! I needed this today. 😂😂
Oh so happy to share the laughs!! Thanks!
Fun stroy as always 😀
I very much wish it didn’t happen in real life, but hey, the things we do for the story! 🙂
Haha, exactly!
I’m so glad these things happen to you and that you’re a blogger because they make for an awesome read later! Haha
Haha! Total silver lining!
Hahaha! Can I hire you to write my biography? ‘Cause it’d be a hell of a lot more interesting that way.
Glad Glen didn’t trap the bat in the garbage bag with your head. With Love And A Little Self-Deprecation’s WordPress Becca Memorial Celebrity Rabies Awareness Pro-Am Fun Run Race for the Cure.
Um, yes. A million times yes. Can there be at least two chapters about Hanson?
Dyinnnnnnng at The Office reference! I was desperately looking for a good video of Dwight and Meredith for this post. It was very painful to publish without it.
Ha! I’m sure my husband would be thrilled at the idea of me talking someone’s ear off about Hanson that isn’t him 😀
I was waiting for that gif.
A few years ago, I dressed as a Fun Run participant with a shirt I bought from the Office website. With the exception of one amazing person, everyone else thought I didn’t dress up.
I loved this post for a variety of reasons, not least of which was my hubby and I had the same experience a few years ago. But the hubs got bit by the bat and the evening ended up in the ER, where he had to get a series of rabies shots over the next few weeks. Your version is SO much better!
I loved this post because my hubby and I had a similar experience a few years back. Only the hubs got bit by the bat and we ended up in the Emergency Room, where hubs had to get a tetanus shot and begin a weeks long round of rabies shots. I like your version so much better!
Oh my goodness! I hope he was okay!
OH my gosh this was so funny! Thanks for the laugh this morning!!
Thanks for sharing some laughs with me! Have a great weekend!
You as well!
Becca,
I read your post out loud as my fiancé and I drove to Starbucks and on our way back home and we laughed so hard! I’m sorry you had a bat in your house but I’m glad you shared the story with us! I love the way you write and I felt as though I was present in the house with both of you as if it was occurring right in front of me. Thanks so much for the great laugh!
Stevie
Stevie, this made my week! Thanks so much for reading! I’m glad that you and your fiance got a kick out of our hi-jinks. I am equally glad that you could feel present but not actually be there because you seem lovely and I don’t want you to get rabies. Safety first.
I hope you’ll stop by again for some more stories about things you are glad happened to someone else and not you. That’s essentially my whole deal over here. Have a great weekend!
Sixteen years ago, Mr. Siddiqui was housesitting in a domicile that had a recurring bat problem. I have never seen such a large and imposing man so withered into a shrieking cheesemelt as I did the first night a bat swooped by him. We were both frankly pretty terrible at catching the bat, Siddiqui because he was so terrified and me because I was laughing myself into a coronary. I think we were able to trap him under a trash bucket and then we threw the trash bucket out into the front lawn where it stayed for several weeks since he was too frightened the bat might still be lying in wait for him. I shared this because a) I make everything about me, and b) I wanted to highlight that you were still braver than the meanest, toughest teacher at our high school.
Hahaha the visual on this is fantastic. And makes me feel really good about myself. So a win all around.