Home Alone: Mom Edition

Inside: What would you do with one hour alone let along a whole weekend? Come with me on my adventure home alone.


Glen took the kids to Colorado this past weekend to visit his family and go to the National Western Stock Show. It’s a cowboy thing I don’t totally understand but from what I gather there is livestock and it’s a show.

Since we had enough airline miles for three people, and airport parking is crazy expensive, I stayed home alone while he took the kids. That meant I had three whole days to myself at the house. THREE DAYS.

What Would You Do?

When I told my coworkers this they stared in wonder. Many of them are also moms and the very idea of being home alone had them salivating while simultaneously getting second-hand anxiety.

“3 days… Wow… What would I do with three days alone!?!”

The answers they came up with were very mixed and included “Get a massage!” “Deep clean everything!” “Stay in my bed for three days!” and “Go shopping!”

While I didn’t want to do any of those particular things (I got a massage once and it was weird, I’m a moderate cleaner at best, I’m not great at sleeping, and shopping makes me break out in hives) I did promise I would report back on what I did end up doing.

So here is it. Home Alone: Mom Edition. Three days of alone time, one mom, one bottle of white wine, and many important realizations.

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Saturday

7:30 AM: Off to the airport we go. Jack is next level excited and hasn’t stopped yelling since 5:06 AM. Norah is walking around this airport like a New York City tourist getting in the way of the locals.

I began to panic thinking about sending my family through security and to the gate with only one adult.

7:32 AM: Realized panic was unnecessary and pledged eternal loyalty to Southwest Airlines thanks to a gate pass. This is a two adult clown show folks, good decision gentleman at the ticket counter.

P.S. Getting a pass to go through security without a ticket is not hard turns out. If someone you know is traveling and needs assistance to the gate, you just go up to the ticket counter with them and ask. Weird.

8:40 AM: Children and husband board the plane, Jacks popped his head back out of the jet bridge to yell “Bye Mommy!” Everyone in line went “Awwww.” I began to sob and called my mother.

10:07 AM: Arrived home and made a fire in the woodstove like a pioneer woman. Feeling pretty proud of myself, I went outside to cut up some more wood for kindling. I quickly realized that I have absolutely no skills in that area and should not be operating an axe without adult supervision.

11:00 AM: Did client work for a few hours while listening to true crime podcasts. Remembered that I am home alone for three days and switched over to a podcast about Beyonce and worked out mildly hard on the elliptical machine.

3:05 PM: Underestimated how big a piece of wood was and spent 20 minutes trying to jam it into the woodstove. Made at least three “that’s what she said” jokes and then double-checked our homeowners’ insurance policy while trying to keep the fire inside the woodstove.

8:00 PM: Forgot about the true-crime lesson from earlier and watched a documentary about murder. FaceTimed with the kids before bed, and then curled up with one of Norah’s teddy bears because it smells like lavender… and I just spent a better part of the night thinking about murderers.

Sunday

7:00 AM: Woke up in a start wondering why it looked light outside. What time is it? What day is it? Am I dead? Is this heaven?

9:05 AM: Shoveled the driveway while making small talk with my neighbors. Forced myself not to cry when they asked if we are going to be building a snowman later. Made an awkward joke about going sledding by myself. No one laughed.

10:00 AM: Talked on the phone with my parents, who I think were calling to make sure I hadn’t accidentally burned my house to the ground. Which truthfully, was much appreciated.

11:00 AM: Visited a wonderful friend and her adorable new baby. Smelled the baby a lot. Probably too much. Alex, I’m sorry for smelling your baby so much.

I’m happy to report I didn’t spontaneously lactate this time, so there’s that.

3:00 PM: Did some blog post writing about time management for working mothers. Stay tuned for that post on February 2. #organized #planner #goals #hashtags

4:30 PM: Made a couple of freezer meals for the week ahead and then ate a quesadilla, yogurt, and white wine for dinner while watching Center Stage on Netflix.

Chased Center Stage with 6 episodes of Parks & Rec that I’ve clearly already seen before. Ruined my credibility as a time management expert/realized I’m much better at time management when my kids are around.

7:50 PM: Considered buying this shirt. Didn’t, unfortunately.

8:30 PM: FaceTimed with the kids and felt sorry for myself that they don’t seem to miss me at all. Lamented being replaced by Batman LEGOs and my in-laws’ dogs. Ate some toast and felt better

11:00 PM: Stayed up until way past my bedtime reading MWF Seeking BFF by Rachel Bertsche. It’s excellent, go read it!

Monday

7:30 AM: Woke up confused again because of the light. Realized that if this had been a normal day off of work or a weekend I would be making pancakes right now. But making pancakes for one sounds horribly depressing. Decided that I’ll have toast instead. I’ve been eating a lot of toast.

9:00 AM: Finally make my way downstairs after doing a couple of blog post audio recordings from my bed. Working from home rocks.

10:30 AM: Considered going out to a Starbucks to work on resume edits for a client. Realized that would require real pants and that’s going to be a hard no today. Plus I don’t drink coffee. Settled into the couch instead.

11:50 AM: Peeled myself off the couch and worked out while listening to The Alchemist. Influenced by the book’s narrator, I started to practice my British accent. Then I promptly took out my notebook and wrote in bold letters “Do Not Practice British Accent In Front of People. You Are Not Good At It.”

I should mention that Glen got me a really great notebook for Christmas. See below.

2:00 PM: Client calls for a chunk of the afternoon. Did not break into the British accent which was definitely for the best, for everyone involved.

5:00 PM: Made a lasagna that smells delicious but I don’t eat it because I’m home alone and lasagna feels like a family meal. Ate an egg and some chocolate chips instead.

6:00 PM: Complete two years worth of photo books on Shutterfly before the 50% off coupon expires while binging Cheer on Netflix. I’ve officially become one with the couch and think I might be losing muscle mass in my legs.

8:50 PM: Realized that I have cleaned exactly zero things over the past three days. Half-heartedly wiped down the counter before getting in bed with a book and my teddy bear. But not before locking my bedroom door, because murder documentaries.

10:00 PM: FaceTime doesn’t work so I have to talk to Glen and the kids on the phone instead. Started to panic that I will never see their faces again and scroll through 4,500 pictures on my phone.

Thought about putting on a facemask to calm down but then realized I might be allergic to this facemask because I’ve never really done a facemask before. Decide to abandon that method of self-care so that I don’t wake up looking like that scene from Hitch.

Tuesday

6:25 AM: Cleaned everything in the house in a wild frenzy so it appears I have accomplished something. Went to work.

4:15 PM: Picked up Glen and the kids from the airport and the pieces of my heart fell back into place.

I’ve got my family back, family back, family back. And now despite being a pescetarian, I really want some baby back ribs.

With a full house and a full heart,

Read More Home Alone Posts:

Home Alone Gifs That Taught Me About Motherhood

What the French Call Les Incompentents

Pumping Iron: A Cautionary Tale

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