Ready for some serious TMI?
I sprung a leak on Christmas Eve. Two twin leaks actually. As in my body was fully prepared to feed a baby that I DID NOT HAVE.
I share this story of spontaneous lactation only because as horrifying as it was at the time, it’s very funny now. Being a woman is weird. It’s weird AF.
But Mom, We’re Lonely
Back the story up a little to Christmas Eve Eve. Friends came over to celebrate the holiday early before we all spent the next couple days with our families. BFF Kel was visiting from out of state with her new baby boy. He was precious, snuggly, and still had that new baby smell.
What is up with that smell? Why don’t we get to keep that forever?
As I cuddled the little baby, I retold one of Jack’s recent 3-year-old antics for the amusement of our guests:
“Mommy. Can we have a third baby?” – Jack
“Our family has two kids, bud. I think I’m good.” – Me
“But c’mon, Mom. Me and Norah are lonely.” – Jack
“Are you going to take care of the baby?” – Me
“No. That’s your responsibility. Also, let’s name her Gora.” – Jack
I Make My Own Choices, I Think?
Babies are adorable. They really are. Big fan. But I feel very settled into our man to man defense and think that two kids feels right for our family. My two hands are full of little hands and quite honestly Jack did not instill much confidence that the big kids would be a lot of help.
So I laughed off Jack’s “we’re lonely” speech and continued on with my life not realizing that Kel’s sweet baby was in on this family expansion plan too. When he stared deep into my soul and batted his tiny eyelashes I thought we were building a beautiful friendship, but in reality, he was activating my hormones with his eyes.
Sneaky… very, very sneaky.
24 hours later, I’m getting the kids ready for bed on Christmas Eve and look down to see that my shirt was completely soaked through. Could it be bacon grease? Water? Wine that missed the mark?
Without going into more detail than necessary, the leakage was quite certainly sustenance for a baby. Sustenance that I was largely unable to produce when I actually had babies of my own TWO YEARS AGO.
(Shakes fist at sky for the irony of it all.)
Don’t Make Me Say Spontaneous Lactation Again…
A couple days later I found myself on the phone with multiple medical professionals forced to say the phrase “spontaneous lactation” to every Tom, Dick, and Mary that answered the phone because that sounded more professional than “my boobs are idiots.”
Some blood work and boob prodding later, turns out there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. It could have been a long term hormone imbalance, or a growth on my brain (!!!) but the doctor assumes it was a random hormone surge.
However, I know there was nothing random about it. Jack cornered that baby when we weren’t looking, came up with a really involved plan, and the two of them somehow commandeered my brain… Impressive honestly.
Here’s the thing though, little ones.
Unless the universe decides that my life will be what happens when I’m busy making other plans (that involve not being pregnant) our family will stay a team of four. But it was a really, REALLY good effort.
An effort that leaves me completely freaked out about how much control my kids will have over me in a few years as their brains continue to develop.