1 out of 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage.

That miscarriage statistic is staggering, and brutal. And it’s a statistic I had never heard until I was sitting in a doctor’s office with my world crashing down around me.

10 minutes earlier I had been picking out names and excitedly awaiting the first glimpse of my baby’s heartbeat on the ultrasound screen. I never expected that I wouldn’t get to hold that baby; that didn’t seem like a plausible reality.

What I didn’t know then, I intimately know now. 3 out of my 5 pregnancies ended in miscarriage so the 1 in 4 statistic feels all too real for me. It might feel very real to someone you love too, and you’re left with the question “What can I do to offer my support after miscarriage?”

Over the years since our losses, my husband and I have been on the receiving end of this very beautiful question many times. I hope that I can provide some answers based on personal experience and speaking with others who have suffered pregnancy loss.

Offering Love and Support After Miscarriage

Let Her Talk

Miscarriage is not easy to talk about. It is the loss of someone your friend or family member didn’t really know yet but loved so fiercely. You can’t share memories with her about her baby because the memories are all her own. It’s heartbreaking, and uncomfortable, and you may not know what to say.

And that’s okay. Let her talk. Your loved one may have a lot to say about her feelings, and she may just need to sit in silence. And if she is like me, she may need to hide away from everyone for a little while. But if you can get past the discomfort and make yourself available, your loved one will know you are there when she’s ready and that she has a safe space to share her sadness, her fear, her self doubt, and her anger. All normal feelings that may just need a place to live for a moment outside of her own head. She may not need advice right now, but she needs you.

Let Him Talk

Does pregnancy loss impact women in a different way than men? Yes. Absolutely.

But do men suffer the pain of miscarriage too as expectant fathers? Yes. Absolutely.

All of the above still applies to the man in your life whose life just changed, but not in the way he expected. His grief, his confusion, and his exhaustion is very real, and he needs you too. To listen. To sit. To ask, “how are you doing?” Keep the door open.

Let Them Talk 6 Months From Now

After the loss of any loved one, if you are fortunate, friends and family gather to support you. The warm embrace helps to divide the pain if even just a little bit. That is wonderful. But slowly, and naturally, that warm embrace starts to recede as life marches onward.

But I would encourage you not to forget, because it is quite likely that your loved one suffering pregnancy loss has not. And at the same time, since miscarriage still feels taboo to talk about, many other people in your loved one’s life may not know about their loss.

So ask your friend or family member how he or she is doing right after their miscarriage, and ask again in a month, or three months, or six months. Maybe they are coping remarkably well. But maybe she is waking up realizing that today she should have been 5 months pregnant. Or maybe a coworker announced her pregnancy today and the pain came rushing back uncomfortably and unexpectedly. Today might have been their due date. So please be there. They might need you now more than ever.

Know the Power of Your Words

It’s in our human nature to try to solve problems. In an effort to help your loved one cope with their pain, you may say something like this, and do so with the absolute best intentions:

“At least you could get pregnant.”

“Everything happens for a reason.”

“Next time you get pregnant everything will be fine. Don’t worry.”

There is love in all of these sentiments, but to someone who just lost a baby these words can sting. Let’s talk about why.

“At least you could get pregnant.”

While getting pregnant is absolutely a gift not be to discounted, truthfully, getting pregnant wasn’t what your loved one really wanted. They wanted to bring their baby home; raise their child. They may not be ready to think about the possibility of future pregnancies yet. Please meet them where they are in their grief. And know that the stages of grief after miscarriage may not be linear because there are so many dramatic ups and downs of fertility.

“Everything happens for a reason.”

The majority of miscarriages occur because of chromosomal abnormalities that would prevent the baby from developing. So yes, there is likely a natural reason why this pregnancy did not carry to term.

Yet even after giving birth to my two children here on earth who I love more than I could ever explain, and who would not be here if any of my previous pregnancies carried to term, I still can feel the sting when I hear someone say “everything happens for a reason.” Maybe it’s just that those words are used so commonly in lots of different situations that they feel rote. Maybe it’s that I remember so clearly the confusion miscarriage brought into my life and how I felt cheated and lost and so devoid of reason.

Not everyone will feel this way, but I suppose to me “everything happens for a reason” is difficult because it’s so hard to envision what the future will bring, and it feels slightly dismissive of a life that didn’t get to really begin. I completely understand the instinct to put loss into context and the love behind the sentiment, but it may not be time for that yet. Maybe it never really will be.

“Next time you get pregnant everything will be fine. Don’t worry.”

Next time your loved one gets pregnant everything might very well be perfectly fine. I hope so, with all my heart. And I know you do too. Statistically that is true too. Yet, if and when your loved one is able to get pregnant again, she might be very nervous during that pregnancy. I was, the whole time. So, please help your friend or family member take this journey one step at a time. And let them feel whatever they are feeling, whenever they are feeling it. There is no right or wrong.

My best advice for words to replace these:

“I’m so sorry for your loss.”

“Would you like to talk?”

“How are you feeling today? I’ve been thinking about you.”

My word choice isn’t perfect. I’m sure I say something every single day that I could have said differently. But the intention here is to offer a perspective and some choices to navigate a very painful process.

Make the Connection

Lastly, and I genuinely mean this, if you or someone you love wants to talk to someone who has been through the pain of miscarriage please reach out.

I know that for me, I really wanted to talk to people who “got it” after our losses. I had so many questions, I wanted to feel like I wasn’t alone, and honestly I wanted to see some hope at the end of a dark tunnel. Because of my sweet, strong angel babies, now I am one of those people who “get it” and if you need me, I’m here. Any time.

On behalf of the angel parents out there, we thank you. For listening, for asking, for considering, and most importantly, for loving us through heartbreak. We need you, and you are there.

Resources:

Resolve: The National Infertility Association

Planned Parenthood Miscarriage Support

American Pregnancy Association – Surviving Emotionally After a Miscarriage